I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
