So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
