i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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