I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
