i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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