I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I smell stomach acid.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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