i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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