I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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