god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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