I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
