i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
