sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
