i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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