I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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