If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
