My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need a beard to bite.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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