if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
