see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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