you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
