Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
