Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She's the barista slut.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
