eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
