I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
