My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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