I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
