talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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