i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
