i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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