i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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