Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
