he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
