I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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