Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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