I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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