I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
