My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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