It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
