i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
