I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
