I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
