I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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