I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
