3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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