I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
