How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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