Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
God, I missed his penis.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
