I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
