i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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