Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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