I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
