Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
