The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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