you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
